The "Crystal" of Change

In my first entry I said that my decision to start this blog involved 3 intertwined things.... Emily's amazing blogs, the therapeutic element that writing has for me, and events that have resulted in completely altering our lives and how we have lived them, to this point.


It is that 3rd element that is truly the catalyst for my blogging. The purpose, at least right now, of this blog is to serve as a tool for keeping me focused on the "roses", so that I do not get lost in the quagmire of change, emotion, learning, adjusting, and more, that is our life right now.


As many of you know, this past October, a week before Halloween, I suffered an episode of moderately severe respiratory distress, as the result of an asthma attack. I was rushed, by ambulance, to the hospital, where I spent 6 hours undergoing breathing treatments and diagnostic tests. It was determined that it was just an asthma attack - nothing more serious. I truly thought I would be back on my feet within a day or 2. Well, it is 5 months later and, for the most part, my lungs have not recovered. I am unable to do the most normal of everyday activities... I become completely winded just transferring a load of wash from the washer to the dryer (and that is on a good day). As a result, I have been unable to work - which as I am sure you can imagine, has resulted in much frustration and stress (among other things).

The end of January I began to notice some slight improvement - my stamina was increasing, ever so slightly; but, the beginning of Feb. (after taking several balloon jobs) I got an Upper Respiratory Infection, which put me back to square 1. It was several weeks before I had any stamina at all and all my breathing became very difficult.

Zachary went away for Spring Break, and I used the time to just rest and not do any running around. As a result, I have noticed some improvement over the past couple of weeks (as long as I really limit my activity). I am waiting to be approved for the drug Xolair (It is my understanding that you have to meet many criteria to be approved, by the drug company, to be considered a candidate for it's use); which my doctors seem to think will be the "magic bullet".

It has been a difficult adjustment for me. At first I kept thinking -everyday - 'tomorrow I'll be back to myself'. ' As a result, I began to let the "condition" run my life; and when it became apparent that "tomorrow" wasn't coming any time soon, I found myself fighting depression.

Towards the end of the year, it became very clear to me that I had 2 choices: I could either let my health define me and be swallowed up by the depression that was, ever so subtly, setting in (and taking hold) OR I could accept that, at least for the time being, I would have to adjust to a "New Normal" and reclaim my life, as it was. Intellectually I chose the later. In reality, however, it is a struggle, on a daily basis, to follow that path. It is an adjustment to many things - emotional, physical & financial -and although my goal is "acceptance", I must admit, that there are many days that I do not accomplish it. But, to be fair to myself, there are also many days that I do.

My health issues, it turned out, were only the beginning of many changes that were about to descend upon Zachary and I. Zachary, as it turned out had some fairly significant health issues of his own - diagnosed in mid/late January - that are the true catalyst for my decision to start blogging (as a means to preserve my sanity)......... (to be continued)