Life changed forever, on that Saturday afternoon.
It took me a long time to call you "Mom". I accepted your kindness and felt your love, almost immediately - I can still picture you coming to the door to greet me that first day that I came to you (almost 37 years ago) ... Suite cases in tow and my newly assigned Social Worker by my side (Sandy - I never did like her.) - so welcoming, so loving, from the very first minutes that I entered your life - but I had a mom.... With Dad I opened up almost immediately. I had no problem letting the walls come down and letting him in; but with you it was much harder... I had to first let go of the feeling that to feel something for you, I was somehow betraying my mother and our relationship (which at that time was still sound). But in time, with your perseverant love, patience, acceptance and consistency, I was able to let the walls come down and make room for you in my heart (and learned that it was possible to love 2 moms).
In those last months before you passed, we got to spend a lot of time together. For that I will be forever grateful. However, in the final 2 weeks before you died, I barely saw you - I had been sick w/ a very bad cold and you had been fighting an extended bout of pneumonia, so I tried to stay clear of you. We did spend a little time together the night before you passed. The last thing you said to me that night, before I left to go to bed, was that you were 'sick & tired of always feeling sick & tired.' For all of these years that statement has both, made me sad and brought me comfort... Sad that that you felt so chronically miserable that that is how you felt (and I have to admit that I have often wondered, had you not uttered those words, would G-d have decided to "take you" when he did?); and comforted that in your passing you no longer had to feel sick or tired.
Through the years you were always there with your loving, nurturing ways; always there to offer support, guidance and love.... up until the very end... and beyond...
You were so supportive during my pregnancy and so excited about the imminent baby. You were there for me, to answer every question; you excitedly awaited my return from every trip to the doctor - waiting to hear about the first time I truly heard a heartbeat and anticipating learning the sex of the baby - you were hoping for a boy. What a bittersweet day it was when those events occurred (together)... You died on a Saturday and 2 days later I had my first ultrasound; hearing (and seeing) the baby's heartbeat for the very first time and, at the same time, learning that I was, in fact, having a boy... I cried... I was happy to learn that my baby was healthy & fine, but at the same time filled with grief that you were not there to share these milestones with me....
Zachary has always felt amazingly close to you, despite the fact that you were gone by the time he arrived. Starting when he was 18 months old there was about a year's period of time in which he refused to go to bed until he "cuddled" the picture of you that was on the bookshelf in his room. He would kiss the the glass of the frame and then bring the frame to his chest, with his arms wrapped around it, as if giving you a hug. It was the sweetest thing to watch... In Utah, where there are so many little roadside cemeteries, we could never drive past one
without Zachary declaring how much he missed you... And then there is his "Angel Kiss". From the day he was born he has had a small patch on the left side
of his head that is bald. Hair grows around it, but the spot has never had any hair grow on it...not a follicle in site. I did not want him to be self-conscious about it, so from the time he was very little, I told him that that spot was his "Angel Kiss". It marks the spot where his Pama kissed him, when you met him in heaven, before you & G-d sent him to be with me. He has embraced that explanation from day one and considers it something special about himself (as well he should). Although I never had the joy of watching you hold my precious baby boy and I continue to feel the ache from your not being here to be a part of his life and to watch him grow, I believe, with my whole heart, that he met you before he was sent to me (and I know you continue to watch over both of us).
While there is nothing that can ever completely soothe that pain of loss, that still, after all these years, is so prevalent, it brings me comfort to feel, in my heart and in my spirit, that he did have the privilege of meeting you. There is a certain sense of contentment that comes from bearing witness to the very special place he carries in his heart for you.
You are forever a part of both our hearts; and your memory lives on, always, in our love for you.....RIP, Mom.....
