Gone, But Never Forgotten....

I started this post a month ago, and then Zachary got sick and I have been caught up in the unending medical avalanche that descended upon us... I keep trying, unsuccessfully, to find time to come back to this and finish this post & the thoughts that are so deeply etched in my heart and so desperately need an outlet...  Finally some time to myself, free of the utter exhaustion that has been my constant companion over these past several weeks... So I think I will write...

One year ago today - February 2, 2011 - the call that I had been both, anticipating and dreading, for so long, came.... 
I was not "flesh of his flesh" or "blood of his blood"; but in the heart of my heart, for 34 of my 49 years he was my Dad.  I loved him, I trusted him, I treasured time spent & memories made with him, I learned from him, I confided in him; and for all of those years, we each shared a quiet understanding and mutual respect for who the other was - deep down - the parts no one else ever got... we just knew & understood... No words necessary, just a mutually quiet, appreciative, understanding. 

I got "the call" and my heart broke... Cognitively I knew it was for the best.  I knew he had been tired and ready to "go" for a long time; I knew that he had been in pain, and that he was suffering; and with his passing he was at peace, pain free, reunited with mom, and in a "better place"; I knew that in reality his passing was a blessing [for him]... I knew it was for the best and I was grateful, for him, that his time had come. After all, as we all know, death is a part of all life; it happens to all of us at one time or another; but in the emotion of it all, they were all just platitudes... blessing, or not, was irrelevant to my heavy heart; to the void that would be ever present; to the tears I have been unable to cry and the grief that I have yet to allow myself to truly feel. 

 

I am very thankful that he is at peace and that his suffering was not prolonged, but I miss him!!!  Every day I miss him. I miss knowing that I can plan a trip to see him.  I miss just knowing that he is "there".  I miss the gruff exterior that so masterfully hid the soft loving heart. I miss seeing him light up when Zachary and I came to visit. I miss how he would quitely observe everything Zachary did and then silently beam with pride at his every accomplishment (thinking that I did not notice). I miss watching them together - the 2 most important men in my life - my son &  my dad.... there is so much that I miss; and so much that I have been unable to let myself feel....

 

I wonder... Will there be a "magic moment" - some kind of "trigger" that allows me to let my gaurd down and feel the grief, cry the tears, heal my heart? Or, will it sneak up on me and come as a tidal wave of emotion that I am unprepared for? I guess there is really no way to know.... I guess ultimately, it is not something I can control (as much a I would like to). It is one of those things I am going to have to "turn over" to G-d and trust that it will happen in His time, not mine, and when I am ready and able to deal wth all that comes with the process..... Faith... I guess that's what it amounts to: Having faith that it will all happen when and how, it is supposed to.

I don't know when that will be. All that I do know, is that at this time, on this day, and all the days in this past year, that the pain & the grief  have been too big to face; so I  find ways to avoid it.

However, on this day, when the grief and loss are still too hard to look at, I am greatful that I have the ability to find the roses.... to rejoice in the fact that I had so many years that he was a part of my life; that we shared all that we did and that I found, in my relationship with him, a connection that was (and will always be) so special and important to me.... grateful for all the "extra" years he was with us - that when the doctors told him, in 1997, that he was terminally ill, that they were wrong and we had an extra 13 years together; grateful that as a result of that misdiagnosis I was led home. A journey that resulted in many hidden gifts - the rekindling of a relationship that lead to the conception & birth of the greatest treasure of my life - Zachary; quantity & quality time with mom in what turned out to be her final months; and so much more.

When I found out that I was pregnant w/ Zachary I prayed that dad would live long enough to see him... That prayer was not only answered but exceeded, when he survived to not only still be with us when Zachary was born, but to watch him grow, to be a part of his life, to become a part of his heart... Zachary loved his Poppie very much and dad lived long enough for Zachary to have a lasting memory of him and time they spent together.  What a spectacular gift!!! ... I would be remiss if I failed to recognize what a special gift I was given when G-d answered my prayers and "let dad live long enough to see my baby born".

So, despite my heavy heart and how very much I miss him, in the end, I am comforted by how very blessed my life was/is that he was in it and became such a very special part of my life, my heart, and, ultimately, my legacy.

Dad, I miss you terribly, but I am thankful that you are finally at peace, that your pain & suffering are over, and that you are reunited with mom.  I will carry you forever in my heart, in my thoughts, and most importantly, you will live forever in my memories...

To quote a favorite book of mine & Zachary's.... "I will love you forever, I will love you for always..."   RIP. 

Time Has Been Passing Me By...

Where has the time gone???  January 2011... I returned to this blog after a very long sojourn and excitedly wrote how my New Year's resolution was to make more time for myself and to return to the healing powers that I know writing offers to me... That post was a little more than a year ago; and it was the only post I blogged in the entire year of 2011...

Where did the time go?  How did the year disappear so fast? It was a year that for me, like for so many that I know, "beat me up".  It chewed me up, spit me out, and stomped all over me... Yet, here I am, at the beginning of another new year... Still Standing... despite all the turmoil, fear and uncertainty that surrounded me, I am triumphant ... through it all I found "pieces of me" that I never knew existed and I face this New Year  with "new eyes", "new hopes", "new desires", and new journeys to map out while navigating the inevitable storms - internal and external - that will undoubtedly come my way.  

Why, with a year like that did I not keep that promise to myself, to make the time to write????  There always seemed to be one reason or another.... ultimately though, they all amount to nothing more than excuses.  Why don't I value myself enough to make time for me?  Why is it that I only see my value/worth in the results of making time for everyone else?   I wonder.... Had I taken the time out to write, would the journey of the past year been any easier? any less traumatic when faced by the trauma that brought me to my knees? any less sad when the sands of time ran out for special people I held dear? any less scary when I had to jump back on the medical "roller coaster", full force, with Zachary? any more special, had I taken the time to record & reflect on the special moments that shone through the chaos?....  I guess I can't really know what effects it would have had, had I taken the time, because that time passed me by, without my recording a single word or reflecting on a single thought/feeling... But, as I begin the journey of this new year, I can renew my resolve to "make time for me", and attempt, again, to grasp onto the "calm" that does occasionally shine through the chaos.