To Everything There Is A Season....

Unbelievably, it has been 15 years, tomorrow, since you were unexpectedly taken from us... no warning, no preparations, no goodbyes... You were just gone... In the time it took to take a shower you were here, and then you weren't....

Life changed forever, on that Saturday afternoon.

It took me a long time to call you "Mom".  I accepted your kindness and felt your love, almost immediately - I can still picture you coming to the door to greet me that first day that I came to you (almost 37 years ago) ... Suite cases in tow and my newly assigned Social Worker by my side  (Sandy - I never did like her.) - so welcoming, so loving, from the very first minutes that I entered your life - but I had a mom....  With Dad I opened up almost immediately. I had no problem letting the walls come down and letting him in; but with you it was much harder... I had to first let go of the feeling that to feel something for you, I was somehow betraying my mother and our relationship (which at that time was still sound). But in time, with your perseverant love, patience, acceptance and consistency, I was able to let the walls come down and make room for you in my heart (and learned that it was possible to love 2 moms).

In those last months before you passed, we got to spend a lot of time together. For that I will be forever grateful.  However, in the final 2 weeks before you died, I barely saw you - I had been sick w/ a very bad cold and you had been fighting an extended bout of pneumonia, so I tried to stay clear of you.  We did spend a little time together the night before you passed.  The last thing you said to me that night, before I left to go to bed, was that you were 'sick & tired of always feeling sick & tired.'  For all of these years that statement has both, made me sad and brought me comfort...  Sad that that you felt so chronically miserable that that is how you felt (and I have to admit that I have often wondered, had you not uttered those words, would G-d have decided to "take you" when he did?); and comforted that in your passing you no longer had to feel sick or tired.

Through the years you were always there with your loving, nurturing ways; always there to offer support, guidance and love.... up until the very end... and beyond...

You were so supportive during my pregnancy and so excited about the imminent baby.  You were there for me, to answer every question; you excitedly awaited my return from every trip to the doctor - waiting to hear about the first time I truly heard a heartbeat and anticipating learning the sex of the baby - you were hoping for a boy.  What a bittersweet day it was when those events occurred (together)... You died on a Saturday and 2 days later I had my first ultrasound; hearing (and seeing) the baby's heartbeat for the very first time and, at the same time, learning that I was, in fact, having a boy... I cried... I was happy to learn that my baby was healthy & fine, but at the same time filled with grief that you were not there to share these milestones with me....

I may not have been able to come home and share the remaining milestones of my pregnancy with you (good & bad), but I truly believe that you watched over me and my baby for the remainder of my pregnancy. I believe that your souls met in heaven and when I delivered him 2 months early, after a month on "Bed rest",  it was you who "brought" him safely to me.  My beautiful baby boy - Zachary Alfred Gray.  

Zachary has always felt amazingly close to you, despite the fact that you were gone by the time he arrived. Starting when he was 18 months old there was about a year's period of time in which he refused to go to bed until he "cuddled" the picture of you that was on the bookshelf in his room.  He would kiss the the glass of the frame and then bring the frame to his chest, with his arms wrapped around it, as if giving you a hug.  It was the sweetest thing to watch... In Utah, where there are so many little roadside cemeteries, we could never drive past one
without Zachary declaring how much he missed you... And then there is his "Angel Kiss".  From the day he was born he has had a small patch on the left side
of his head that is bald.  Hair grows around it, but the spot has never had any hair grow on it...not a follicle in site.  I did not want him to be self-conscious about it, so from the time he was very little, I told him that that spot was his "Angel Kiss".  It marks the spot where his Pama kissed him, when you met him in heaven, before you & G-d sent him to be with me.  He has embraced that explanation from day one and considers it something special about himself (as well he should).  

Although I never had the joy of watching you hold my precious baby boy and I continue to feel the ache from your not being here to be a part of his life and to watch him grow, I believe, with my whole heart, that he met you before he was sent to me (and I know you continue to watch over both of us).

While there is nothing that can ever completely soothe that pain of loss, that still, after all these years, is so prevalent, it brings me comfort to feel, in my heart and in my spirit, that he did have the privilege of meeting you. There is a certain sense of contentment that comes from bearing witness to the very special place he carries in his heart for you.

You are forever a part of both our hearts; and your memory lives on, always, in our love for you.....RIP, Mom.....

Gone, But Never Forgotten....

I started this post a month ago, and then Zachary got sick and I have been caught up in the unending medical avalanche that descended upon us... I keep trying, unsuccessfully, to find time to come back to this and finish this post & the thoughts that are so deeply etched in my heart and so desperately need an outlet...  Finally some time to myself, free of the utter exhaustion that has been my constant companion over these past several weeks... So I think I will write...

One year ago today - February 2, 2011 - the call that I had been both, anticipating and dreading, for so long, came.... 
I was not "flesh of his flesh" or "blood of his blood"; but in the heart of my heart, for 34 of my 49 years he was my Dad.  I loved him, I trusted him, I treasured time spent & memories made with him, I learned from him, I confided in him; and for all of those years, we each shared a quiet understanding and mutual respect for who the other was - deep down - the parts no one else ever got... we just knew & understood... No words necessary, just a mutually quiet, appreciative, understanding. 

I got "the call" and my heart broke... Cognitively I knew it was for the best.  I knew he had been tired and ready to "go" for a long time; I knew that he had been in pain, and that he was suffering; and with his passing he was at peace, pain free, reunited with mom, and in a "better place"; I knew that in reality his passing was a blessing [for him]... I knew it was for the best and I was grateful, for him, that his time had come. After all, as we all know, death is a part of all life; it happens to all of us at one time or another; but in the emotion of it all, they were all just platitudes... blessing, or not, was irrelevant to my heavy heart; to the void that would be ever present; to the tears I have been unable to cry and the grief that I have yet to allow myself to truly feel. 

 

I am very thankful that he is at peace and that his suffering was not prolonged, but I miss him!!!  Every day I miss him. I miss knowing that I can plan a trip to see him.  I miss just knowing that he is "there".  I miss the gruff exterior that so masterfully hid the soft loving heart. I miss seeing him light up when Zachary and I came to visit. I miss how he would quitely observe everything Zachary did and then silently beam with pride at his every accomplishment (thinking that I did not notice). I miss watching them together - the 2 most important men in my life - my son &  my dad.... there is so much that I miss; and so much that I have been unable to let myself feel....

 

I wonder... Will there be a "magic moment" - some kind of "trigger" that allows me to let my gaurd down and feel the grief, cry the tears, heal my heart? Or, will it sneak up on me and come as a tidal wave of emotion that I am unprepared for? I guess there is really no way to know.... I guess ultimately, it is not something I can control (as much a I would like to). It is one of those things I am going to have to "turn over" to G-d and trust that it will happen in His time, not mine, and when I am ready and able to deal wth all that comes with the process..... Faith... I guess that's what it amounts to: Having faith that it will all happen when and how, it is supposed to.

I don't know when that will be. All that I do know, is that at this time, on this day, and all the days in this past year, that the pain & the grief  have been too big to face; so I  find ways to avoid it.

However, on this day, when the grief and loss are still too hard to look at, I am greatful that I have the ability to find the roses.... to rejoice in the fact that I had so many years that he was a part of my life; that we shared all that we did and that I found, in my relationship with him, a connection that was (and will always be) so special and important to me.... grateful for all the "extra" years he was with us - that when the doctors told him, in 1997, that he was terminally ill, that they were wrong and we had an extra 13 years together; grateful that as a result of that misdiagnosis I was led home. A journey that resulted in many hidden gifts - the rekindling of a relationship that lead to the conception & birth of the greatest treasure of my life - Zachary; quantity & quality time with mom in what turned out to be her final months; and so much more.

When I found out that I was pregnant w/ Zachary I prayed that dad would live long enough to see him... That prayer was not only answered but exceeded, when he survived to not only still be with us when Zachary was born, but to watch him grow, to be a part of his life, to become a part of his heart... Zachary loved his Poppie very much and dad lived long enough for Zachary to have a lasting memory of him and time they spent together.  What a spectacular gift!!! ... I would be remiss if I failed to recognize what a special gift I was given when G-d answered my prayers and "let dad live long enough to see my baby born".

So, despite my heavy heart and how very much I miss him, in the end, I am comforted by how very blessed my life was/is that he was in it and became such a very special part of my life, my heart, and, ultimately, my legacy.

Dad, I miss you terribly, but I am thankful that you are finally at peace, that your pain & suffering are over, and that you are reunited with mom.  I will carry you forever in my heart, in my thoughts, and most importantly, you will live forever in my memories...

To quote a favorite book of mine & Zachary's.... "I will love you forever, I will love you for always..."   RIP. 

Time Has Been Passing Me By...

Where has the time gone???  January 2011... I returned to this blog after a very long sojourn and excitedly wrote how my New Year's resolution was to make more time for myself and to return to the healing powers that I know writing offers to me... That post was a little more than a year ago; and it was the only post I blogged in the entire year of 2011...

Where did the time go?  How did the year disappear so fast? It was a year that for me, like for so many that I know, "beat me up".  It chewed me up, spit me out, and stomped all over me... Yet, here I am, at the beginning of another new year... Still Standing... despite all the turmoil, fear and uncertainty that surrounded me, I am triumphant ... through it all I found "pieces of me" that I never knew existed and I face this New Year  with "new eyes", "new hopes", "new desires", and new journeys to map out while navigating the inevitable storms - internal and external - that will undoubtedly come my way.  

Why, with a year like that did I not keep that promise to myself, to make the time to write????  There always seemed to be one reason or another.... ultimately though, they all amount to nothing more than excuses.  Why don't I value myself enough to make time for me?  Why is it that I only see my value/worth in the results of making time for everyone else?   I wonder.... Had I taken the time out to write, would the journey of the past year been any easier? any less traumatic when faced by the trauma that brought me to my knees? any less sad when the sands of time ran out for special people I held dear? any less scary when I had to jump back on the medical "roller coaster", full force, with Zachary? any more special, had I taken the time to record & reflect on the special moments that shone through the chaos?....  I guess I can't really know what effects it would have had, had I taken the time, because that time passed me by, without my recording a single word or reflecting on a single thought/feeling... But, as I begin the journey of this new year, I can renew my resolve to "make time for me", and attempt, again, to grasp onto the "calm" that does occasionally shine through the chaos.

New Year's Resolution...Back to Blogging

I'm BACK, FINALLY!!!

It has been almost 3 years since I started this blog and more than 2-1/2 since I last posted an entry.... I found it to be such a wonderful outlet... and then "life" and circumstances took over and suddenly I could never seem to find (or make) the time to return to it...I got caught up in everything that life threw my way and stopped making time for me....

With the New Year, one of my resolutions is to "Make time for me"... Doing that most certainly necessitates that I return to writing on a regular basis...

I always find it cathartic and a way to "center" myself when life gets overwhelming and crazy...Yet, it is the 1st thing I push to the "back burner" when life gets overwhelming and crazy...

I need to stop doing that! I need to treat myself better... so here I am, in my [current] crazy, mixed up world, deciding to slow down enough to take the steps necessary to stay focused on the things that matter - not getting caught up in the "thorns', but remembering instead to find and focus on the "roses"- to find my "balance" and "walk" through the chaos & turbulence that is "life" with the grace and dignity that is mine for the taking; if I remember to slow down enough to recognize and use the gifts & tools that I have been blessed with, for achieving that goal....

Time will march on regardless of whether I journey through it in chaos or calm. It seems much more reasonable to opt for the calm, so as to be able to enjoy the journey...

Time For Me, Finally

I am finally back!!!!! I apologize that it has been so long between entries. Much has happened since I last wrote. I can't even begin to tell you how much I have missed being able to sit down and "write it out". Several obstacles have gotten in the way of my finding the time to keep up on my blog. First and foremost, I currently (5/20) do not have an internet connection at home, which has meant no more "middle of the night, decompress, blog sessions" for me.....

IT HAS BEEN TORTURE!!!!

My 2 biggest obstacles have been Time & Money... no time to get to the library, for any significant amount of time, to just write and make time for me; and no money to afford the expense of an internet connection....Also needing to make time to find work, minimizes any free time I may have to spend at the library.

I never expected, when I started this blog to find so much comfort and relief in the act of writing. Being unable to access this fabulous avenue, that I was growing so fond of, has been very disconcerting. I NEED it, and hate that I can not find the time to just sit and write.

It has been over a month since I first started this post (at the library). While I have tried to return to it many times, I have not been able to find the time (over more pressing matters) and have not managed to finish it...IT HAS BEEN SOOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!

I now seem to be picking up an intermittent Internet connection at home - especially late at night (YEAH!!!!). I am hoping that it will last for a while and I can take advantage of it, and FINALLY get back to writing on a regular basis....

I just want to write!!!..... to find the time to explore my "garden"..... I know that there are many "flowers"
there; But, without this fabulous outlet, to explore my deepest thoughts, emotions, fears, concerns, joys, successes, etc., It feels as though my view is "obstructed".

I am looking forward to finding my way back to a view that embraces the full spectrum of the beauty that [I truely believe] is hidden amongst the thorns.

Hopefully I will continue receiving a late night signal and I can once again, include all of you in my daily "Search for the Roses".

Still Here

Hi! I am still alive, and no, I did not tire of blogging! I currently do not have an Internet connection at my house so I am not able to blog into the wee hours of the night, like I was. Much has happened since my last post (all good or OK, nothing bad), and I have been extremely busy, with no time to make trips o the library. Just wanted to check in and let everyone know that I should be back with a "real post" later in the week. More soon

Hello, I'm Still Here

Just wanted to check in and say, "Hi"! I have missed blogging these last few days. I am working on a project that looks like it will turn in to a job!!!! Yeah!!!

Everybody, please pray that this really happens. If it pans out I will be hired as the Grant Administrator & Sr. Manager of Print Media by a local Non-profit. I am helping them with a grant application - actually, I have spent all week writing it for them. As soon as they receive some grant money they will be hiring staff. They want to hire me to write for them (and manage the grants and grant money). I am praying that it all works out. I will keep you posted.

This post was a quick break from the application... got to get back to work. More soon - Hopefully this weekend. Good Night