Catalyst (The Finale....The Real Journey Begins)

We entered the small office and waited for our appointment. Dr. Hopper greeted us and escorted us to his office (more like a room for a therapy session, than an examination/diagnostic). Zachary found some toys in the corner, next to the couch, and he played. I sat across from Dr. Hopper and presented him with all that I had brought.

He examined Zachary's allergy panel completely dumbfounded! He could not believe the extent or profundity of the test results before him.... he said, 'It is amazing that this child can function at all, given the extent of his allergies!'

As the doctor explained it to me, externally I held back the tears I felt welling up inside... I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart as this Dr. explained to me that the levels of allergens in Zachary's system were 'off the charts'; that the allergens were analogous to terrorists and his immune system to the army employed to fight them. He said Zachary did not have enough "soldiers" to fight the battle that was being waged within his system; so essentially every part of his body was attempting to "fill in", as a means of survival ....thus, overtaxing his entire system!

G-d, only, knows how long Zachary had had allergies that had gone undiagnosed; but I had learned that he had allergies almost 4 months prior to to listening to this man tell me that my precious angel was being attacked by "internal terrorists." I felt angry, I felt hurt (for Zachary), but mostly - as I felt my heart weep, inside my chest - I felt guilty! Guilty that somewhere within me I hadn't known to question what the significance of the results of that blood panel had been... Why had I simply accepted, 'nothing really to be concerned about' as a sufficient explanation to test results???????? I have no way of knowing how long Zachary had been "suffering" in his own body, but now I knew that he had been suffering for 4 months longer than necessary.... I can not begin to describe the ache that I was feeling in my soul, as the doctor continued to talk.....

He went on to explain that it was imperative that I, immediately, eliminate ALL Wheat/Gluten, Dairy/Casein (a protein in dairy), Eggs, Soy, and Peanuts from Zachary's diet.

WHAT?????

I heard the words - they kept reverberating in my head - but I could not process them.... "No wheat"....Doesn't everything have wheat?.... "No wheat, no eggs, no dairy!"????? WHAT???? What's left? What will I feed him????.... "No dairy" , Well, that's OK, he doesn't like MILK much, anyway....WAIT, what about cheese (only one of his favorite foods), ice cream, yogurt???? WHAT????....."No wheat, no eggs, no dairy"????? Is my child ever going to eat again? How am I going to find food to feed him? ....He's so slim anyway, won't he die if he doesn't get enough to eat? How am I going to feed him?....Are there any foods left .....WHAT???????? (all of these thoughts were firing off, in my head, at the same time)..... Wait, am I breathing? I can't "catch my breath" (figuratively).... HOW am I going to feed him....'No wheat, no dairy, no eggs, no soy, no peanuts.... What's left?.....

Then, I started to think (as my heart felt like it would explode with the grief I was beginning to feel for my sweet boy; and the fear that I was beginning to feel - Would I be able to learn how to best care for him? Would I be able to teach him how to care for himself(?)..........

"No wheat & no eggs".... Oh no, that means he'll never have cake again... "no dairy", What's he going to do at a birthday party, when everybody is having ice cream and cake???? Will he ever enjoy a birthday party again?

"No wheat & no dairy" ....... What about Pizza????

"No peanuts"........ What about PB&J?...... "No Wheat"..... What about bread/sandwiches? .......

What about__ ? What about__? What about___?

As we left Dr. Hopper's office, I felt sad, dazed, confused, scared, alone, incompetent, sad, scared, confused..... I was adrift in a sea of uncertainty!!!!!!